So, I wanted to talk about dieting and exercise today. People who have met can attest to the fact that I am on the hefty side. I've never been too concerned with this, even though it has bothered me. Well, Something happened recently, and it wasn't an event or number on the scale that did it, but suddenly, something inside me clicked: I have to get healthy, if not for my own sake, for the sake of my unborn children.
Almost 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with something called PCOS: Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Basically, it's the reason I'm fat. What happens is that my testosterone/estrogen levels are out of whack, along with certain metabolic and hormonal pathways in the digestive system, causing me to eat and gain weight like a man would. This in turn causes problems with my insulin levels to get worse, and exacerbates the problem. And then goes in a cycle from there. There is no "cure" for PCOS, only treatments. The most recommended treatment is weight loss. However because of the symptoms, weight loss is difficult. I'm constantly tired, and hungry because of the excess insulin in my system. When I got my diagnosis, I used it as an excuse: "I'm fat for medical reasons, and so, that makes it okay, and I don't have to loose weight"
For many years, I was also Bulimic. I would go to lunch at school and eat as much as i could fit in my face, and quietly visit the restroom before heading back to class. Eventually, I was able to stop purging, but not binging. And I used that as an excuse "oh, it's mental, I'm sick in my head, so it's okay for me to be fat"
There was even a time when I justified it by thinking that it would make heartbreak less likely because fewer men would be interested in me. Well, guess what. I still got my heart broken, probably even more than I would have with a smaller dress size. Boys would be interested in me just fine, but they didn't want to be seen with me, or they'd cut me off with "you're a great girl, but I'd rather be friends".
It's time to stop making excuses, and start living my life. PCOS is the leading cause of infertillity, and the only way I can have children one day, is to lose weight, and get healty. So, I joined a gym, and swapped my lunchtime potato chips for celery and carrots. I swapped afternoon candy bars for fruits, and morning trips to McDonald's with a slim-fast and oatmeal. But I don't want to stop there. Someone once told me that a goal is just a wish until you write it down, so that's what I'm doing. I'm writing down my goals, and outlining my weight loss plan. This is going to be a contract with myself, and I want to have a sense of accountability, so I'm keeping it in the blog. So here it is:
First:
The Guidelines to a Happier, Healthier Me:
1. This isn't a diet, it's a life change. There's a reason this is a cliche used in almost every diet book/advise column/nutritionists office: It's true. To get the kind of lasting change I want, I can never be that girl that would eat an entire secret dinner on the way home and then another with family later. I need to truly change my relationship with food, and this change needs to stick around for the rest of my life. The other big thing, is that my "diet mindset" is very all or nothing. I can't give up on these changes every time I have a slip-up or miss a visit to the gym. I have to get back on the horse, and the only way to do that is if the positive changes are my new "way of life" instead of a temporary diet.
2. Be Positive. This one is probably the most important to me. In the past weight loss has always been about negatives: Foods I CAN'T eat, or exercise I HAVE to do. Well, not anymore. I'm focusing on the fact that I'm CAN eat whatever I want, but that I'd rather eat the foods that make me feel best. In the past I felt like I was depriving myself of delicious food, but I'm coming around to the fact that when I eat those foods, I'm actually depriving myself of a good mood, more energy, and sense of well being. From now on, it's not "I can't eat you" it's "I'm too good for you" As for exercise, I'm quickly becoming addicted to the feeling I get after pushing myself for 1 more minute (or in last nights case, SEVEN MORE MINUTES!) on the elliptical when I feel like i just can't do anymore. It's empowering. I feel like I've accomplished something, and it's the reason I've been at the gym every single day since I joined.
3. Learn Portion Control. I really can eat whatever I want. I know that it's possible to do this. The trick for me is instead of half a large pizza, eating one slice with a side of steamed broccoli. I'm going to get better at this, and I'm going to call it "up sizing my meal" instead of restricting my calories. Because, I get to eat more food if I eat more nutrient rich lower calorie lower fat foods as well. While we're on the topic: no more "good foods" or "bad foods" unless I'm talking about the flavors. That's part of what's making my relationship with food so complicated and messy. From now on, I eat what I want, just in smaller portions of the more "unhealthy" foods, and larger portions of fruits, veggies, salads, and lean meats.
4. Enjoy yourself. I'm going to have fun with my weight loss. This is not an option. If it's not fun, it wont stick. I'm going to be more active on a lot of fronts, and it's going to be EPIC.
5. Fell comfortable in your own skin. This plan is NOT about a numbers goal. There will be no goal weight, no ideal size, and no "I lost 5 pounds last week". No poster boards filled with pictures of supermodels to give me inspiration. This is not about fitting into a dress, looking like a magazine, or having other people consider me good looking. My Primary goal is to be healthy and feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't want to feel like people are glaring me down like fat is somehow contagious (even though my rational mind knows they're probably going "did i leave the stove on?") because when I have thoughts like that, it becomes clear to me, that I'm NOT comfortable in my own skin, but i really want to be. Yes, I want to be smaller, but setting an ideal size is going to set me up for a meltdown if I don't reach it. Plus, I don't even know what my bone structure will even allow me to become, I know for sure, I'll never be a size 2 (I'm built like a linebacker) and to be honest, I don't even WANT to be a size 2. I just want to be happy, and I'm not at my current size, so I'm going to see what I can do to get myself to a place where I am happy, wherever that may be.
I also have certain fitness-based goals I'd like to accomplish.
1. Walk up 4 flights of stairs without getting winded.
2. Become the type of person who runs. I've always wanted to, but I let so many things stop me. Soon, I will set a date in the future to run a 5K, and have this set as a tangible goal... for now, I'm working on getting to a place where I run, period.
3. Meet with my trainer once a week, and look forward to it. I have my first meeting with Maurice tomorrow night. I think meeting with a trainer will help me be sure I'm getting the type of workout I need, and this will provide me with solid exercises to do the other 6 days of the week, and hopefully give me a good feeling of accomplishment at the end of the session.
4. Go to the gym almost every day. I know this sounds excessive, but having this goal will keep me going more often. it will make missing one visit seem like less of a big deal to me if i stick to it as often as I hope. In the past missing one visit turns into giving up entirely on working out. My ideal goal is to go every day, but this isn't always possible, taking a day off will feel like a nice treat if I've gone for the past 6 or 7 days.
More updates to come in the future on how I'm doing with maintaining the goals and guidelines I set for myself.
Today will be my first "break" day since Friday as far as going to the gym. I'm nervous, but I'm just not sure if i have the time to get over there today, and I'm very sore. But still there's this part of me going "well, how about we just do 10 minutes of walking, 10 on the elliptical and 10 more walking? you'll feel so much better afterwards" And, I think I want to foster that way of thinking, and follow through and get that positive re-enforcement of "Going to the Gym makes me feel better"
Well, now that I've written a Novel or 3, I'm going to get working.
XOXO, ladies, and as always I hope you're all having fabulous days! :D
